Expectations

It's that time of the year when holidays are starting. So for me, following the past years, I am somewhat expected to go home for the holidays. For the past years I've met this expectation enthusiastically after being in uni for so long.

But this year..things are different. I'm not in uni anymore so now the expectation feels..different. Due to some recent rollercoaster events, I'm not looking forward to meeting this 'expectation'. While I'm usually unsure with how I feel about things, because I'm usually conflicted between how I think I feel and how I should feel and think, this year..this time..I am not enthusiastic about going home for holidays.

As of now I just feel pain, stressed, pressured, tired and worned out..like my legs, from standing on a recent new casual job, which involves perfumes. And while some rest and much needed sleep will help my legs and me somewhat, just like my body without much constant exercise, I feel I'm slowly deteriorating..or to say the least..just unfit..body, heart and soul.

I hate it..myself included. How sad and pathetic and somewhat incredibly annoying.

Numb

Ergh..most of the time I would like to really avoid putting rants and miserable feelings kind of posts..

But seriously..I've been feeling so much pressure..externally and internally..about how I should feel, how I should think, what I should say, what I should think, what I should feel...but..now there are decisions to make quickly..as in not contemplate things anymore..that I don't know how I really feel..and what is it that I'm really thinking..as in what is it that I want..or want to feel..sometimes I will somehow put my foot down and say to myself.it should be like this this and this...but in a few hours...the fort will just go soft..and it's a battle everyday..

But it feels so exhausting..right now I just feel like I have gastric..shortness of breath..tired..back pain.neck pain...heavy head..lethargic?ohh and my face really hurts from bad skin..

And the part that I hate is keeping this all to myself..because it literally feels like..if I talk about it..it'll burden someone..or it will not give me any closure or satisfaction..so..i just keep it..and sort of resolve to figure it out..myself..somehow..

But really...I'm thinking of going to strangers and give them lots of money just so I can talk and get contructive feedback....that I like.....how stupid..